Anger is a very normal emotion to have. Most kids feel that it’s not fair that their parent is sick, or that their lives are different now. Anger can also hide feelings of guilt (especially in older kids), anxiety or sadness. The key thing is to talk to your children and explain that feelings and behaviours are different. So, if your child’s anger is making them behave in a not pleasant, destructive, or dangerous way, you need to start by giving boundaries.

In a moment of calm, explain that their feelings of anger are normal and to be expected (acknowledge and validate these feelings) but the behaviour is NOT OK. Firstly, work out together some safe outlets for their anger, like ripping up paper, screaming into a pillow, throwing a ball against the garden wall.

Secondly, let them know there will be consequences if their behaviour causes damage (obviously these need to be age appropriate), for example, they will need to pay for a new door and help fit it. Anger is understandable and it is valid to feel this way. Aggressive and destructive behaviours are not alright.

This is a normal response, although it can feel quite hurtful as it might feel like they don’t care. Children process information in different ways. It might be that they need more time to understand the impact of your cancer. Be open, let them know you are always there for questions, worries or hugs, but try not to badger them.

It could also be that your child is purposefully not showing their emotions because they fear it will upset you. Try talking to them, explaining that expressing emotions is good, that is it OK to talk to someone else than you, and maybe think of ways to help them feel comfortable in showing their emotions (try the ‘share a feeling’ or ‘what is important in my life’ family activities.

Find a time when your child feels calm, maybe when you are driving, or sitting next to each other on the sofa (big chats don’t feel so big when not staring into each other’s eyes!) and ask your child what they feel sad about. If they feel sad about you, then tell them about your circle of support (or your helpers) who look after you. Talk about your CNS, oncologist, psychologist etc. Often children feel comforted by this.

If they are sad when they leave you, or you’re in hospital, give them a special pocket friend (a stone, button, fabric) that they can keep close to them. When they feel it, it provides a connection with you. Set up a special emoji code between you, something silly that requires little effort just so they feel connected to you.

If they are sad about their life changing, talk about how things won’t always be like this, plan some nice things (if you can) for when you feel stronger.

Also think together about what makes them feel better. Is it talking to friends, going to the cinema, going to football or for a run? Suggest they plan these in their schedule. Create a calendar together and plot good things that are happening in their lives, things happening at school, and maybe your treatment days (‘parental days off’) so they know that you might be in bed and unavailable.

It is very common for children to be irrationally scared of something, something they were not scared of before you got sick. The reason might be that they are fearful of what is happening to you and their lives but can’t articulate this, or are even conscious of it, so being afraid of something like the darkness, talking to strangers, dogs etc, is easier.

This can be frustrating. But be patient, accept that it is a real fear for them so try not to make sweeping remarks, like ‘Don’t be silly’. You can avoid the fearful thing, for example walk on the other side of the road from a dog, give them a torch at night time if fearful of the dark. Try to keep routines and boundaries they are used to as this will give a sense of security.

Tell them not to feel guilty. Many kids won’t or can’t express that is what they’re feeling. It can help if you say it out loud. Be clear that you want them to have fun, that it is important for their mental health, and if they are worried something will happen to you whilst they are out, you have so and so on speed dial and things in place.